An Open Letter to Jane

Dear Jane,

It ‘s interesting how it all began.

I can still remember that one boring Sunday afternoon when I was texting with your bestfriend, Kristine, who was my crush then. What a date for us turned to be a three-way date with you. I will never forget how you and your eyes smiled when we shook hands and when I introduced myself. You made me realize that it could be love at first sight. The coffee, the talk and the ambiance with the moon and stars above us at the sky garden at TriNoMa, and the dinner at Kenny’s… they were all beautiful. But your smile and expressiveness were the most beautiful of all that night.

February 25. We were at SM North EDSA Cinema for a play “Cory at EDSA”. You were waiting outside for your classmates and probably for Kristine and I too because you were heading to UP for a film viewing. The play was too long so you probably went straight to UP. I texted you that I was sorry I could not be with you as promised because I had a terrible headache at that time that I had to go home straight. You texted back with so much care about my situation that I felt instantly well. Or so I thought.

And that was followed by more exchanges of texts. Do you still remember those long nights we spent texting each other until dawn? Do you still remember those times when I would text you to come out to see the moon and the stars because they were just as beautiful as you? Do you remember that time when I asked you if you believe that you’re beautiful and you just replied no? But then I shared a Boyce Avenue version of What Makes You Beautiful on your wall to let you know how beautiful you are to me. You chatted back with a smile. I replied with a smile, too. Do you still recall how caring and thoughtful I was everytime it would rain and you wouldn’t care getting caught under it? Do you still remember those mornings I would greet you and tell you to bring umbrella just in case it rains? Do you still remember the words I sent you when I first confessed that I was already in love with you? In case you don’t remember, let me put it across again.

“I love you. I’m not sure exactly what that means. It’s scary. I don’t even really know you well enough to say those words… but I love every single bit of you I know so far.You are sweet, and kind, and beautiful. Your smile makes my heart skip a beat. I could swim in the blue of your beautiful eyes. They make me melt. They make me suddenly become so many things I am normally not… uncertain. Awkward. Weird. Afraid. Vulnerable. Unable to speak.”

And can you still recall how you reacted? I bet you can’t. You were speechless. And all throughout the times I would put my feelings in words for you, you were always speechless. I can’t even remember how many times you turned down my invitations for a coffee date. But that was fine. I lent credence on your excuses that you were too busy about school and all. I understood. You were afraid of commitments. I understood. I can’t make someone love me, I know.

Looking back at those memories, I could not help but miss the good times we had. Lately, I was hoping that you would finally give in to my request for a date so we could tell each other how our lives have been. I am very hopeless romantic I even made a poem about you as a Christmas gift. I was ready to give it to you along with some flowers so I could make up for not being present in your debut. Silly, I know. And now that this shit came up, maybe the poem had to wait for someone who deserves it more.

As you know, I am a manic- depressive. I tend to become depressed easily even by the pettiest things that are potentially upsetting. The moment I read your boyfriend’s message, I was alone in a mall and I was so helpless because there was no one whom I could share it with. You don’t know how it feels to be alone in a coffee shop with nothing but a hot-turned-cold coffee and a used tissue to wipe my tears. Oh I guess you never knew how true my love was. Or you just would not believe that such intensity of love exists. Too good to be true, huh? Did you know that it made me even more depressed? I am in my last days of treatment and this shit came up. And now I don’t know how this will affect it.

But I guess the most crucial question I have to ask you, Jane, is this: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LIE TO ME? Why do you have to lie to me that you are not dating someone and that you and this Angelo are not a couple? Why do you have to lead me on, Jane? I am not mad or what. I am asking these because I do not know why you have to do this to me. I never asked you to love me back, Jane. I don’t get the logic of you lying about your relationship status. I never knew you were capable of lying and living such a sweet lie. All the while I was true about my feelings for you. I think I deserve the truth and your honesty at the very least.

But then, yea. Shit does happen. Okay. You are with someone else? Fine.

Earlier today, I went to the church to pray for you, guys. I was praying that you two will have a bright and lovely future together. I hope your relationship will last forever and beyond. Take care of each other. I was also praying to Him to heal this wound that this whole shebang caused. And I was praying that you’ll find it in your conscience to know what is right and what is wrong, which is tolerable and which is hurtful. I’m just human, Jane. You can’t take away my right to get hurt. I love you. Uhh. Sorry. I loved you. Or, more than likely, I loved who I thought you were. God knows I did my best to make you feel that what I had for you is genuine. But in any case, it’s now over. No need to think things over.

I really think this is God’s plan to tell me that I deserve someone better. Someone who wouldn’t mind being with me during her free weekend time, lingering and sipping coffee, sharing thoughts about our days and lives. Maybe I deserve someone more conversational whom I can talk with until the wee hours with just about anything under the sun. Maybe I deserve someone adventurous enough to try those rides at amusement parks. Perhaps, I deserve someone who is expressive enough of how much she cares and loves me. I deserve someone better. Thank you for making me realize that and my self-worth.

So where do we get from here, Jane? I guess it’s now time to say goodbye for the two of us. Oh. Sorry again. There was never the “two of us”, right? I’m sorry for assuming too much.

So this is it, Jane. The end of it all. Reality just concluded. We meet. We part. That’s all there is to it!

Despite all these, I wish you well with your new love right now. Have a great future together! And, by the way, get well soon. With what just happened, it dawned upon me that between you and me, it’s you who’s got a more dreadful disease.

I am gonna miss saying this but, for the last time, I’m doing it—God bless you, Jane. May all your dreams come true.Image

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